TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Of course, certain, let's have Yet another spot the place American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: give Every person a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved Trump Tower Damascus a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from House, a function becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not just unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage can even contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel the place my PTSD can have transform-down support."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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